I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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