How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
