PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
