Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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