just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Randomize
