2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
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