We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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