I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
my being single is dangerous.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
