Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You are a booty call, not a friend.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
