He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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