Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
