She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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