My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
