Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
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