Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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