Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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