Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I'm getting married
To pizza
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
