I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
