This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
