Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
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I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
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I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great