they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
21 Millennials Confess The Most Awkward Way Someone Has Tried Hitting On Them
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
25 People Confess The Most Ignorant Thing Someone Has Ever Said To Them
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.