i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.