It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
You ruined the universe
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
