i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
