Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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