Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
