Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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