Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize