I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
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I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
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Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
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