You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
