one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
