I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
