Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
