i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
