At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
