If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ketchup is God's man juice
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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