I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I could make wine with my vomit
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
