I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
