A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
