i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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