If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Randomize
