the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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