she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
