No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
