I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Randomize
