I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Every concussion has its silver lining
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
