I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
