i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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