mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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