If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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