why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
