A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
