burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
