mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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