My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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