so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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