I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
