You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
