i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
sex in a hospital.. check
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
