I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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