I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
