I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Rumble strips road head = magical
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
